Your past does not dictate your future, and it’s so easy to reference back to it. You become complacent without realizing it, an before you know..you’re allowing something you can’t change to stunt your growth.
It happened. It hurt. It still hurts. But it does not have to haunt you for a lifetime. Make a choice today, ask God how to let go of whatever is keeping you stuck in your current situation.
I won’t allow myself to be treated like one.
1) it feels a little bit like those summer days when the sky is completely clear and then clouds gather… no, no, appear, from nowhere and before you know it heavy drops are hitting your temple and your tears are no longer the only things soaking your cheeks and now everything is different, heavy, but also kind of clean, and it’s over just when you get your umbrella to open. it might start again. you don’t know when.
2) it feels a little bit like when you’re watching your favourite show and it’s your favourite scene and suddenly it stops and the wheel keeps turning, and turning, and turning, but it’s not loading, and you sit there and you stare at it and wait. it feels a little bit like that.
3) it feels a little bit like a hangover, but not the easy kind, the kind that an aspirin can fix, no it feels like the hangover that you get from mixing too many kinds of alcohol, the kind you can only wait out, with a heavy head and a body that aches and fuzziness, yes fuzziness, because your brain can’t focus and it’s not that you’re thinking about other things, it’s that you can’t think, it’s that thoughts are an actual effort, and the light hurts your eyes and all music is too loud and no, you don’t want to see people.
4) it feels a little bit like first heartbreak because the world seems the same but also infinitely different and you can’t remember how you used to do things, how you made sense of washing the dishes and how you used to do your laundry and how homework made sense, suddenly the world is a scary place, a strange place and you’re afraid, you’re alone and afraid.
5) it feels like being in a room with no doors and no windows, but being told that there is a way out and you try, you do, you try to figure it out, except that you’re too sad and too tired and what’s the point really, the sunshine would just burn your skin and people are callous and mean and maybe you’d rather stay here. maybe. but then you check the walls for secret seams, again, and maybe there’s something you missed. maybe. and it’s the constant maybe, the inability to want, to desire, to just know. it’s the maybe that’s the end of things.